Studies in Ferality
I used to ask, “Is this too petty?”
Now I ask, “Is this petty enough to power a small village?”
Because petty, I’ve learned, is not a personality flaw.
It is a clean-burning fuel.
Wind needs turbines.
Solar needs panels.
I just need a single disrespectful email and suddenly I can reorganize my entire life by 9:14 a.m.
People say, “Be the bigger person.”
The bigger person is tired.
The bigger person has a headache.
The bigger person is on do-not-disturb and considering a career as a mysterious aunt.
Sometimes I prefer to be the smaller, more efficient person.
The espresso shot of wolfsbane.
The travel-size vervain.
Petty built civilizations.
Do you think Cleopatra woke up kind?
Do you think Shakespeare wrote all that drama because he was emotionally regulated?
No.
Someone annoyed them before breakfast.
Petty is misunderstood.
People confuse it with cruelty.
Cruelty is random.
Petty is targeted.
Cruelty is a tornado.
Petty is a guided missile with a playlist.
I have tried forgiveness.
It was fine.
A little bland.
Like oatmeal without sugar.
But petty?
Petty has seasoning.
Petty says,
“Oh you copied my pen name? Cute.
I’ll just outlive you creatively.”
Petty says,
“You underestimated me?
Amazing. I needed a hobby.”
They tell women not to be petty.
They also told us not to want real pockets in our jeans.
I do not trust their research.
Sometimes I am kind.
Sometimes I am healed.
Sometimes I journal and drink herbal tea and pray to my ancestors.
And sometimes I am a feral administrative assistant of karma,
filing complaints with the universe in Times New Roman, size 12, single-spaced.
Petty does not mean small.
Petty means observant.
Petty means I noticed.
So no — I don’t ask anymore if something is too petty.
I ask:
Is this petty enough to pay my bills?
Is this petty enough to finish what I started?
Is this petty enough to keep me alive?
If yes, I proceed.
Because petty is not a sin.
It is a renewable energy source.
And love,
I am off the grid.
— Karny
Editor’s Note:
No grudges were harmed in the making of this essay — only converted into electricity.